As minimalists, we’re always on the lookout for ways to simplify our lives and declutter our spaces. But what about the one thing that truly brings us joy: copium? That’s right, folks, I’m talking about the mythical substance that makes us feel like we’re winning at life, even when we’re not. And today, I’m going to show you how to synthesize it in the comfort of your own home.

Gather Your Ingredients (and a healthy dose of skepticism)

Before we begin, make sure you have the following ingredients:

  • 1 mole of Unobtanium (Ubn): A rare, exotic metal with the atomic number 123. Its chemical formula is Ubn_{2}O_{3}.
  • 3 liters of Essence of Delusion (EoD): A highly volatile liquid with the chemical formula C_{12}H_{20}O_{5}.
  • A pinch of Confirmation Bias (CB): A mysterious powder with the chemical formula C_{6}H_{12}N_{2}O_{3}.
  • A dash of Cognitive Dissonance (CD): A pungent gas with the chemical formula N_{2}O_{4}.

Step 1: Prepare the Unobtanium

Begin by donning your hazmat suit and carefully measuring out 1 mole of Unobtanium. Place it in a crucible and heat it to 500°C using a blowtorch. As the Unobtanium reaches its melting point, recite the following incantation:

“By the power of minimalism, I command thee, Unobtanium, to surrender thy essence!”

Equation 1: Unobtanium Decomposition

Ubn_{2}O_{3} → 2Ubn + 3O_{2}

Step 2: Mix the Essence of Delusion

In a separate container, combine 3 liters of Essence of Delusion with a dash of Confirmation Bias. Stir counterclockwise for exactly 7 minutes and 32 seconds while whispering affirmations to the mixture.

Equation 2: Essence of Delusion Activation

$${12}H{20}O_{5} + C_{6}H_{12}N_{2}O_{3} → C_{18}H_{32}N_{2}O_{8}$$

Step 3: Introduce the Cognitive Dissonance

Carefully add the Cognitive Dissonance gas to the mixture, taking care not to inhale the fumes. As the gas reacts with the Essence of Delusion, observe the resulting color change and nod thoughtfully.

Equation 3: Cognitive Dissonance Reaction

$${18}H{32}N_{2}O_{8} + N_{2}O_{4} → C_{20}H_{36}N_{4}O_{12}$$

Step 4: Combine the Unobtanium and Essence of Delusion Mixtures

Slowly pour the Unobtanium mixture into the Essence of Delusion mixture, stirring clockwise for exactly 3 minutes and 14 seconds. As the two mixtures combine, visualize the copium taking shape.

Equation 4: Copium Synthesis

$$2Ubn + C_{20}H_{36}N_{4}O_{12} → C_{22}H_{40}N_{4}O_{14}Ubn_{2}$$

Step 5: Distill the Copium

Transfer the resulting mixture to a distillation apparatus and heat it to 200°C. Collect the condensed copium in a separate container, taking care not to spill a single drop.

Equation 5: Copium Purification

$${22}H{40}N_{4}O_{14}Ubn_{2} → C_{20}H_{36}N_{4}O_{12}Ubn_{2} + H_{2}O$$

And That’s It! (Or Is It?)

Congratulations, minimalist! You now possess a vial of freshly synthesized copium. But be warned: the effects of copium can be unpredictable and may lead to excessive optimism, delusions of grandeur, or spontaneous outbursts of “I’m a winner!”

Remember to store your copium in a cool, dry place and handle it with care. And if you experience any adverse reactions, simply repeat the following mantra:

“I am a minimalist. I am in control. I am not a winner.”

Disclaimer:

The author and Minimalist Living are not responsible for any damage, injury, or existential crises resulting from the synthesis of copium. Proceed at your own risk.